The women must gather

We as women must gather. Our marred world depends on it. Her earthly womb that first bore us cries out for her daughters to come together again and remember each other.

Mother Earth does not want perfection. She does not want us to believe for a moment longer that we are the original sin and to become a carefully crafted product of societies deep insecurities.

The women must gather. So we remember to look upon each other in awe and appreciation of our differences and our unique purposes of this life. We are mountains meeting oceans. Both large, powerful and from the same source, yet needed in wholly different ways.

The women must gather. So we remember to let go more, drop down our flowing locks, use our feet to dance upon the land and sway our hips to the rhythm of our own knowing hearts.

The women must gather. So the wisdom of motherhood that runs like an ancient river through our veins can be unleashed and poured out to our children. We unmask the women who have hidden to long behind mans stamp of unworthiness that presses firmly on the role of Mama.

The women must gather. So we can heal. We are strength in numbers. We must gather for the woman who wakes in the morning with dead eyes and cold bony fingers that knead into her empty womb, still tender from being swept of life. Her grief sits heavy within the vacant space like unliftable rocks in place of the child she will never meet. Gather with your women, dear sister, so that we may help carry the heavy boulders of burden for you. Let us wrap you in our arms, kiss your head and wipe away your tears we to have shed.

The women must gather. So we remember who we are, that we are never alone and within our circle we unleash the beauty of simply being WOMAN. 

Astrid xx

A MEDITAION FOR THE LITTLE ONES - RAINBOW

This is a meditation for your little ones. It is best done before nap time or bed time or whenever your child is feeling most relaxed.

I based this meditation around the seven main chakras of the body. Each chakra has a different vibrational frequency, corresponds to certain organs and represent different emotions and feelings. It is said that when the chakra wheels are spinning with ease and vibrancy then you will be physically, emotionally and spiritually very well.

This is a nice way to introduce the chakras to your children or just an awareness of the different states we can be in. No matter what, this meditation will make your child feel lovely and relaxed and intrigued by this magical rainbow. Enjoy!

RAINBOW

Lie down and snuggle into your bed and get comfortable. Softly close your little eyes and lips. Start to take some big deep breaths in and out of your nose. Feel how the cool air goes in as you breath in and then how warm air flows out as you breathe out. Your deep breathing is making you feel very relaxed. You start to drift off to a wonderful dreamy place.

You are lying on a grassy hill underneath a big shady tree. The golden sun trickles through the leafy branches, warming your face and body. The sweet smell of wildflowers is all around you and in the distance you can here a gentle river flowing. As you watch puffy white clouds pass by a beautiful rainbow stretches out from the sky and lands at your feet. All the colors begin to flow over your body sending a feeling of relaxation and peace.

The red swirls up your legs making them glow with lovely healing warmth. The red that's like the colour of a shiny apple makes you feel safe, nourished and grounded.

Just below your belly button the colour orange glows radiantly out of you. The vibrant orange that's like the soft inside of a mango makes you feel strong and creative. You feel as though you have the power to be whatever you want to be.

Your tummy now beams with a yellow as bright as the sun or a juicy lemon. The lovely yellow colour all around your tummy makes you feel confident and worthy of all the love and kindness the world has to offer.

Creeping up to your chest you see the colour green radiating out of your heart space. The green is bright like the leaves on the trees and the grass in the meadows. It fills your whole body with deep love and joy. It makes you feel very peaceful, from your head to your toes.

Now imagine your throat glowing blue. The blue is as magnificent as a clear blue sky on a summers day. The blue flowing over your throat makes you feel as though you can say and express yourself in any situation. You feel able to tell people your when you are feeling good and when you are feeling bad. You feel free to speak your truth.

See the space between your eyebrows shimmer with a beautiful purple. The purple is like the soft purple you see on the petals of wildflowers or a sweet plum. This purple shimmering out of your third eye ignites your imagination and intuition. You feel confident and trusting of yourself.

Imagine the top of your head is radiating out a brilliant violet colour like the violet shade of a bunch of succulent grapes. The violet streaming out the top of your head brings you a feeling of utter bliss. Any worries or fears you have are left behind as this beautiful colour brings you a feeling of connection to every living thing in this world.

As you lay on your grassy hill beaming with all the colours of the rainbow you cant help but smile. All these wonderful colours make you feel so content and peaceful. The energy of these colours are very special to you and you can imagine them flowing over your precious body whenever you need to feel more relaxed, joyful or loving.

Now start to wiggle your toes and fingers. Take a few deep belly breaths, then slowly open your eyes and move around as you feel energised by the rainbow shining bright inside of you.

Astrid xx

LOVE LIVES AND LOVE DIES

The thing is... Everything wears off and changes. But, we become addicted to first encounters and certain feelings. Especially love and sex. We become addicted to that love you experience when you first meet your flame. That insatiable, gut flipping, heart pounding lustful love that can almost drive you insane with desire and need for that other person. But it doesn't last. Like a yoga practice that is sustained over time by conscious modification and gentle manipulation to adapt to the changes in body and life, so are our intimate relationships.

I write this not as an expert on this topic. I'm anything but! I write this as a goodbye to a belief that life is always juicy and passionate and lived in a state of high. I have chased that high through little blue pills, reckless sex, fads, vanity and yes even through a misunderstanding of my yoga practice. 

I'm over fighting the suffering. If you live you suffer. Oh there is joy too, don't you worry! But my god there is suffering. I'm over being sold that we can live in this constant state of high happiness. I quite like my suffering thank-you-very-much. Its where my stories come from. Its how I become deeply compassionate and driven to help others. Its in my suffering I find my truths as if they are sunbeams seeping down like golden honey through blotchy grey clouds.

Gardening teaches you a lot about love actually. One season you have an eden of greenery to feast on and be nourished by and the next season its eaten by disease and pests. Human relationships are also blessed by seasons of calm and abundance and tested by sullen winters of mistrust, resentment and even falling out of love.

I think perhaps the key is always knowing that love is going to change and changing with it. Its also trying to sober the lustful junkie in our fragile veins by loving ourselves more and more everyday. Filling us up with our own joyful spirit and purging the idea that someone else will do this for us seems to me, a step towards long lasting relationships. Having warm lips to trail kisses along your neck is just a bonus really..

Love Astrid xx

HOW TO BE A MINDFUL MAMA

Mindfulness is a common term used in meditation circles and among the new age spiritually intrigued.   It cultivates an image and feeling of blissful stillness and deep inner peace. We often here yoga and meditation teachers telling us to "empty the mind" which as a parent seems near impossible most of the time, but I have a different take on the word mindful and how it can benefit the journey of motherhood. 

When we break up the word it becomes mind-FULL. How about instead of trying to constantly empty our minds we fill it up with the present moment. As mothers we have an abundance of opportunities to fill our scattered brains with beautiful appreciation and awareness of the sensory experience of motherhood. Here are some ways to to slow down a little, reduce stress and become a more mindful mama x

• Start the day with cuddles and kisses. Lots of them! I use to wake up resentful of the lack of sleep I had, the crying out for "breakfast now mama!" and the fact I couldn't slide back under my duvet cover until the sun had at least properly risen. Now when my children's little pink fingers slip the blankets down and climb their warm bed bodies in next to me, I squeeze them and I kiss them until they scream "stop it mama!" and then I hold them closer a little more. Children, especially young ones, are still so in their bodies. This means that physical contact and plenty of it is incredibly important and beneficial for their physical and emotional wellbeing. Up until the age of two they still think they are attached to their mother. We need to nurture this physiological aspect of our children and it starts by becoming aware. Start the day by being mindful of the close physical connection our children need to have with us and squeeze love and kindness out of your body and into theirs then watch your day unfold in a whole new way.
• Cultivate ritual and gratitude. Another important morning aspect for us is saying a little blessing over our breakfast and then I sit with them as they eat and ask them what they are grateful for today. They usually say "I'm grateful for my porridge and toast! or for mummy and daddy!". This brings in mindfulness by making sure you, mama, eat a proper breakfast first and foremost. We then become mindful of how blessed we are in our lives and also rituals such as these force us to connect with our families and to become mindful of what our loved ones are thinking and feeling. Even if it is just how much they love their toast! Here is the blessing we use at meal times. It is a Waldorf inspired verse: Blessings on the blossoms and blessings on the fruit, blessings on the tress and leaves and blessings on the roots. Thank you for food!
• Give yourself timeout. I recently attended a parenting seminar and one of the best things I learnt was that timeout for children doesn't work but instead you can give yourself time out. I can become very overwhelmed by my children's tantrums and anger. I never knew such little people could fill me with so much stress and rage! Now I try as calm as possible to say "Mummy is going to the bathroom" (or wherever I can hide out for a moment) and take myself to timeout. I may cuss a little under my breath, rub my head and then start taking a few big deep breaths. I remind myself that I have reached my limit and that's OK. It's important to be mindful of your own feelings and to energize yourself first before tackling stressful situations such as toddler meltdowns. I then remind myself that my children are very little, need love and understanding but clear boundaries too. Be mindful of your own limits and reducing stress by having mama timeouts. Don't forget those big deep belly breaths. They really help calm a fraught nervous system.
• Find one thing, one act of love, to be your meditation and do it with mindfulness every single day. It can be anything from sipping your morning coffee, to kissing your loved ones goodbye or pulling soft woolly socks over your babies toes. Whatever you chose, do it with full presence and give it your full attention. Become aware of the smells, the way it feels against your skin or the sound of what you've chosen. Immerse yourself in the small details of your chosen moment. Remember that you can find peace and stillness in the most smallest of acts and they can fill you up with a warmth that feels like the sun is beaming out from inside of you. 
• Love your body. Do this today or a soon as possible:  Buy yourself the most luxurious, creamy and heavenly smelling body lotion. Then every day smother lashings of it over your beautiful life giving body. Massage it in to yourself the way you would massage a lover. With tenderness, kindness and a lot of love. Breathe in big inhales and exhales as you do this and smile at the parts you love and hate about yourself. In fact, linger a little more on the parts you hate as they will be needing extra love. When we become mindful in acts of self love, we step out into the world with an inner confidence knowing that we have taken a moment in our day to honour these mama bodies that give so much on a daily basis. 
• Have in breath and out breath moments in your day. A common complaint among parents of today is the busyness of it all. We are constantly rushing from one thing to the next, never stopping, never taking a moment to just be and breathe. We think our children's days have to be filled to the brim with activities and constant stimulation. In breath moments are those times when the kids are running around, dinner is being cooked, washing is being hung and mud pies in the garden are being thrown around with shouts of glee! Out breath moments are sitting in mamas lap to read a story or hear a soft song sung, slow walks through nature and watching clouds pass by on cosy blankets outside. Be mindful of having these slower moments in your day for your children and yourself. They will help to gather your thoughts, re energize and bring peace back into the home.

Mindfulness to me is bringing all the goodness that is in life into our minds and acknowledging the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings too. Life as mama can sometimes feel like you are amidst a big stormy sea with crashing waves all around, dark murky water with no bottom in sight and no compass to direct the way home. Just know that we have all been in that ocean and in those dark times. Just stop, breathe and you will find the calm beyond the fury of the storm. It is always there. You know it is. That peace resides in you no matter what and if you want it, it is there to take your hand and lead you into being the mindful mama that you always were. xx

MIDNIGHT KISSES

I have always loved the stillness of night. I often wake around midnight or even three am and lay there listening to the creatures who seek prey or the ones who just share their beauty with a soft song under the snowy moon. Most of all I love the stillness. Rugged thoughts and tired bones feel as though they have dissolved with what little sleep I've had. My heart beats at a slow rhythmic pace and feels light and open. Perhaps I'm a woman of the night. Destined to always wake and have my blue veins bathed and turned silver by the light of galaxies far far away. The darkness seems to evoke an energy and a passion in my spirit. 

I use to love making love in the dead of the night. Sleepy intertwined bodies heavely and slowly would drape on top of each other. Half awake kisses trail along eyes still dreaming. Murmurs of passion are exchanged as we would lull each other with rhythmic rocks. No words spoken, we would be guided by only feeling and the energy of this sacred time. With sweat stained cheeks we would fall once again into the mould of each others bodies, skin on skin, and back into the theta mind. Perhaps a whisper of "I love you" somewhere or perhaps not..

I have a new love in my dark nights. They are my children. sometimes I creep next to them and stare into the cherub faces. I try to etch every crease, curve and detail of their innocent beings into my mind. I stroke their little noses and kiss their teeney toes. I hold them and cradle them and whisper promises of joy and that I will be a better mama tomorrow. Sometimes I drip sad tears onto their downy soft heads as their youth shows me how delicate and immortal this life is. The invincibility of my own childhood has been drained away and replaced with a deeper respect for birth and inevitable death. I see the veil between these two worlds become thinner and thinner as i become older. I then fill with gratitude and pride as I realize these children will be my greatest achievements. I bask in moonlight and in motherhood. 

Darkness is for reflection and reguventaion. We arrive earthside into darkness and are stationed in the watery portal of our mothers womb. Dark envelops us as we grow. It always fascinates me that the heart is formed in the embryo before any other organ, even before the brain. The heart then, should always come first in life. I do not believe in coincidences. This was meant to be. And what is last to go as we fall into the dark void of death? Our heart.. Darkness is woven in life and in death. It holds a power as bright as our light side. Do not fear the inky black skies or the parts of you that you shun away into the shadows of your subconscious mind. 

Embrace it all and howl to the moon wild woman! In your darkest hour something amazing is being born. You will shed and you will reform into the magnificence you were always meant to be xx

A MEDITATION FOR LITTLE SOULS - MAGICAL ROCKPOOL

Meditation is a wonderful tool to bring into your child's life. With their imaginations at their peak, calming and beautiful imagery can evoke peace and also drop pearls of wisdom into their precious minds. Through these types of meditations we can empower our children and work through issues that may be occurring in their waking life. 

This is also a beautiful way to bond with your child and please feel free to massage your children or add your own loving words. 

This meditation is apart of a series I am developing called YOGA FOR THE TRIBE. I want to bring yoga and meditation into families as a way of healing and bonding. Enjoy and let me know what you think!

The magical rockpool of your soul

MAGICAL ROCKPOOL

Lie down on your back and stretch your arms and legs and then relax fully. Let your feet flop open like a big open book and rest your arms by your side with your palms facing up towards the sky. Begin to breathe big deep breaths in and out of your nose. Feel all the tension in your body start to disappear like magic as you do this. Your body now feels relaxed and heavy. You are safe and comfortable.

Imagine now sitting on a sandy beach as you watch the ocean. The orange sun is warming your back and a soft breeze tickles at your cheeks, keeping you cool. You watch the waves rising and crashing onto the shore and you breathe in and out deeply and slowly. You feel very relaxed and calm.

The water begins to lap up against your feet and you like the feeling of it so much that you decide to go for a swim in the nearby rock pool. As you walk over to it, soft white sand squeaks between your toes. 

You sit on the edge of the pool with your legs dangling in the water. You take another deep breath in and as you breathe out you slip your body into the crystal clear water. The water is cool and silky on your body. You feel so refreshed and peaceful. 

You look down at the water all around you and see that at the bottom of the rockpool are pink starfish, pearly white pipis and rainbow coloured fish. Can you see all the beautiful creatures? 

Then something else catches your eye, something sparkly. 

You reach down and pick it up. Its a precious gemstone and you move it around your fingers feeling its smoothness and admiring its unique shape and its color. What color is it? Imagine it to be your favourite color. You sit and rest in the rockpool with the water cleansing your body and holding the gemstone against your heart. It feels apart of you and something to be treasured and looked after. You breathe in and out of your nose with a slow steady rhythm. You feel deeply peaceful and happy.

Just like your special rockpool, you too hold many amazing gifts that are unique and precious to you. You are a very special part of this world with many wonderful talents to offer. When you express the beautiful being that is YOU then you allow others to shine too. 

Know that at any time you can visit your rockpool to discover and remember the gems that you hold inside of you. 

When you are ready, begin to wriggle your toes and fingers, then gently open your eyes and focus on your surroundings. Stretch your arms and legs. You feel relaxed, secure and happy.

Astrid xx

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HEALTHY, HAPPY INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL WITH LITTLE ONES

Mila and Louie watching the planes take off

"Your crazy!" "Why would you do that?!" and "Fuck that" are most of the reactions I get when I tell people I'm travelling by myself with two energetic toddlers on a long haul flight. However, I'm here to tell you that it's not only do-able but can be incredibly fun and enriching for you and your little jetsetters!

I have been flying solo with my both my children since they were three months old. I have a lot of family overseas so we did the NZ to Australia flight many times a year. We also flew often to many places around NZ to visit family and friends. By the time the big NZ to Los Angeles trip came looming upon me I felt confident and ready to make this entire journey with easy and infused with memorable moments and learning opportunities for the kids. All it takes is some planning, organising, awareness and a big helping of surrendering.

Lets start with age and expectations. I have a three year old and a 1 and a half year old. To expect them to act any differently or with less enthusiasm and excitement than they would with any other new experience is futile. In fact, you can expect them to be even more stimulated and ready than ever to explore the bright lights and hustle and bustle of an Airport. Over stimulation is the biggest hurdle to overcome when travelling and balancing moments of calm with running wild to see the planes take off is the key to keeping the stress at a minimum. Here are some things to ponder when planning your trip:

• Be aware of where they are at age and developmentally wise. Do they need lots of running around time? Tactile stimulation? Is teething an issue? Do they have lots of questions that need answering? Are they just wanting to help mum or Dad with everything?
• How can you create calm or "out breath" moments in between all of the excitement. This is so important so you don't get over stimulated and over tired children! I like to take moments to sit down with a snack and read them a story or taking a longer than usual toilet break away from  all the people is a good one too. I might change their clothes and wash their little hands and faces and even rub my favourite baby calm balm on their pressure points. 
• Surrender to the fact that there will be meltdowns and tantrums. Toddlers and babies don't care that you may be in an enclosed space or surrounded by many weary travellers. They will still express their big emotions, but I have some tips for that too!

The play space at LAX

                               

So now your high expectations are out of the way its time to start preparing. When travelling on my own I take two carry on bags, an umbrella stroller and my Ergo carrier. Here's what goes into my carry on:

Bag 1: I brought a lightweight trundler bag that also has wheels and its so good for trawling around the airport. I would hook the handle over the stroller handle and it would just roll effortlessly next to me. Boom.

• Three changes of clothes for each child
• Six nappies and a packet of wipes
• A change mat
• Hand sanitiser
• Calming balm for babies. Its infused with lavender and smells heavenly! 
• Rescue remedy - my number 1 essential for calming for all of you in times of stress!
• Arnica tablets. These are great for easing the effects of jet lag and also safe for children but talk with your homeopath first about the correct dosages for you and your family. You can also get something called No Jetlag from the pharmacy which is also a homeopathic supplement and works great too.
• A little first aid kit which has Olbas oil (good for clearing stuffy noses but can also be mixed with some coconut oil and applied to the neck to help ward off airport bugs!), a thermometer, Tylenol/Pamol, a syringe for giving medicine, bonjela, band aids. 
• A couple of toys. My daughter brought a few of her pony friends on this trip and Louie had his toy car. I also had beeswax modelling clay for them to play with and this is the best for those calming moments. It needs lots of warming up in the hands and focus on making something so really works to calm the senses. It doesn't go everywhere like playdough either! 
• This is optional but I did bring my daughters Leap Pad to use when she wanted to run buck wild and I really needed her to stay put during lining up for customs and also when she wanted to stand up during landing!! I know some parents are really against media pacifying but I'm not a martyr and sometimes a screen distraction is in order. That's in my opinion anyway. 
• Spare pants and socks for me. I also pack my deodorant, lip balm and mini moisturiser. 

Bag 2: This is the snack bag and its a kids backpack. I have tons of food intolerance's and I don't want my kids eating high sugar and high processed foods so I pack all of our own bites to eat. 

• Bananas
• Apples
• Six of those vegetable and fruit squishy packs. 
• Crackers and cheese
• Homemade bliss balls as a treat
• Small bag of cashews
• Vegetable sticks and hummus
• A couple of fruit leathers for treats. I buy the organic ones from Trader Joes. 
• A water bottle. Keep all of super hydrated

Checking in, customs and what to do at the airport:

• Grab a trolley, get kids into stroller and backpack and ASK FOR HELP! People are always willing to help. Ive never had anyone turn me down and airport staff are usually ready and willing to help a solo mama traveller and her babies with all the luggage and holding little excited hands.
• Explain whats happening as you go through the processes of checking in and going through customs. Toddlers love to be involved! 
• If you have to line up for a while in customs I find snacks and a little toy come in handy here. Most major airports have family lines so hopefully you can get pushed to the front in quick time.
• We always head straight for the viewing platform to see the planes take off and for some running around time. I like to get out as much energy from the kids as possible so they will be sleepy for the plane ride. 
• Find out if there's a play area at your departing airport. LAX has an awesome one by the way! Its on the second floor FYI. 
• Just before we are about to board I will get the kids into their PJ's and start setting the bedtime vibe. 

Taking off and the big long flight:

• Ask for a couple of extra pillows and blankets.
• Before putting your carry on in the overhead lockers, stick nappies, wipes and anything else you want easy access to in the seat pockets in front of you.
• Give your toddlers plenty of warning and explanation about having to wear a seatbelt. I give my kiddies their night time milk (if its a night flight) and a little snack if they want it to help keep them settled and seated. 
• My three year old has been known to refuse being belted and this is when a book, a t.v show or her little leap pad comes in handy. 
• If little ears get sore try getting them to breastfeed, bottle feed or suck on something. The olbas oil on a little tissue to inhale can come in handy too.
• Once we are in the air I take a blanket and hang it across our aisle seat (always ask for an aisle seat!!) and the aisle seat in front to make a little tent so its darker and blocks out view of all the people so they settle easier and without distractions from the tea lady ;)
• Hopefully your little ones sleep for a little while so you can take a breather, eat something and sip on a glass of vino.....and try to get sleep too if you can. I always take an eye mask, ear plugs and neck pillow to help me drift off. Some ankle, wrist and neck rotations followed by some yogic breathing are good for tension release.

Activities for on the plane:

• Explore! Let them walk up and down the aisles, mingle with the crew and seek out other friends and their weary parents.
• You can do a lot with a cup, some tape and a box of raisins. Seriously. This is the best tip I got from a friend. You can make little shakers, pouring out games, magic tricks. The possibilities are endless!
• Beeswax modelling clay. This is a Waldorf sensory activity. Kids love warming it up in their hands and making little creations.
• A sketch pad and colouring in pencils.
• Stickers
• Band aids for playing doctors and general stick on silliness
• Books to read
• Movies from the inflight entertainment
• Leap pad or other children's gadget if things aren't going so well and you may take a leisurely jump out of the window if your kid doesn't stop kicking the other passengers seat or wailing that they want to get off the plane..... Like I said, don't be a martyr. Use the tech if you need to! Remember, if your flying solo you're already a lady boss so give up the guilt and chill those babies out.

Landing and reaching your destination:

• Again, something to suck on to help with the change in pressure on their ears. 
• Use your excited mum voice to make them look out the window and to watch the landing. Make up a story about seeing the "birdies" flying next to us, that sort of thing.
• If all hell is breaking loose because everyone is tired and over it then a special pre prepared wrapped up present is a little trick I use to keep them seated and belted up. 
• A snack or treat helps.
• Watching a kids movie or show can also come in handy.
• Again always ask for help with getting off the plane and getting bags off carousel. Don't exhaust yourself by trying to do it all on your own. No one expects that. 
• And also again, ask about family lines for customs, have snacks or games for waiting in line and then run like the wind into the arms of the one who is picking you up!!! Or at least tip the cab driver really well so he will let you have a vodka and tonic on the ride home ;)

What it all comes down to, like any life experience is the attitude you present. If you can take it all in your stride and care a lot less about what everyone else thinks then your going to have a fun journey with your little ones. Please email me if you have any other questions or tips! I've done this solo travelling A LOT so I'm happy to help or take on advice.

Astrid xx

MOTHERLY WISDOM - WEANING

Milkies out of a cup - Bye bye boobies!

Today I decided to wean my youngest, Louie. After thinking long and hard about this descion and seeking advice, it suddenly feels right. But also a tiny bit sad too. We have been been bossom buddies for 21 months now. He has curled up in the crook of my arm and nestled into the soft warmth of my milky vessels and nursed contentley to sleep, in times of thirst, after scraped knees, in times of insecurity and for sheer comfort. I would relish in the quiet time of this nurturing practice and the pulse of feel good hormones that would flood my body each time. I feel very very blessed to have had a breastfeeding relationship as it's something I personally had always wanted when dreaming up my life as mother. 

Mamas boy for life

Like all things in life, change is inevitable and holding on tight with resistant white knuckles will only cause pain. My life changed when I got sick. Lack of sleep and breastfeeding a toddler while running after his older sibling is hard enough as it is without the added stress of a depleted body. And that is the crux of why I have decided to wean. I am depleted. With no reserves to cling onto when I'm unwell and the broken sleep night after night was not serving me, him or my family anymore. It is still hard though.. I feel that sense of loss and my little boy being one step closer to his independence. Snipping at those apron strings takes a great deal of strength and compassion for yourself. Motherhood requires a lot of sincere compassion as it's a constant rhythm of pulling in and letting go. Inhales and exhales. Breathing in your child's distinct sweet aroma that only a mother knows and breathing out as they run full force down the grassy hills. Breathing in kisses on rose bud lips and breathing out their first day of school. We pull them in, we let them go. It's as natural as the moon sweeping in and pushing out the tides. Surrender. 

One cute bottom doing some water play

Change. It's a good thing. And in the end we must question if we are truly holding onto something for the good of the child or for our own benefits or fears. I feared disconnection from my son as we moved away from our breastfeeding relationship but what I got was a happy little boy who has found great joy in his new found curiosity away from mamas milk. And we now have endless cuddles and new ways to show our love for each other. Our bond is stronger because I chose to look after me and to trust my body. I see that as a gift to my children, to show them respect for oneself and stepping out of my own selfish needs to nurture the entire family.

Astrid xx

FIGHTING CHRONS DISEASE - MY WELNESS JOURNEY

"Teach everyone around you how to care about you, by how you care for yourself" Elena Bower

My illness crept up on me slowly. It started with little twinges of pain in my belly, to feeling a little more tired than usual. Then the nausea started, the pain after eating and the blood in the bowel movements and then the black cloud of depression came looming over. One day, I woke up and just couldn't get out of bed. I was so sick and so fatigued I couldn't even walk. I would crawl my fragile 47kg body to the bathroom and that was about all the movement I could muster. My husband had to take three days off work to look after our children while I recovered my strength. I was so scared about what was happening to me and I remember ringing my parents in tears, fearful my body was completely failing me.

Eight months later and after many doctors appointments, tests and diet changes I was diagnosed with Chrons Disease. In a way I was relieved. At least now I knew what I was working with and could finally start my road to healing. A week after my diagnosis I flew to Los Angeles to start my new life with my husband and children. For the first month I was here I had very little symptoms and thought perhaps the change of environment was all I needed to kick this thing. Perhaps I wasn't so sick after all. We were in the sunshine, swimming in the sea and spending a lot of time in nature. Life felt good again! Unfortunately, some stress and poor eating led to a bad flare up and I was right back to square one again. I have now gotten to the point where I am unable to manage my life of being a functioning human being, a mother and happy participant of this world so I am having to make some radical changes.

To begin with I am in the early stages of working with an incredible holistic health coach called Jenna Jones. She is supporting me with my wish to treat this disease without medication and head on with a healing diet, yoga, meditation and other holistic remedies. My next step is moving back home to Australia to live with my parents for a month. This is so I can have around the clock support as I get the treatment I need and to have lots of care for my children while this happens. I'm going to miss my husband so much but he fully supports this time away and knows how beneficial this time of rest will be.

So what is Chrons??

Chrons disease is an Inflammatory Bowel Disease that can affect any part of the gastrointestinal tract. It is associated with inflammation of the lining of the GI tract and this is what can lead to flare ups.

Symptoms:

• Fatigue
• Frequent diarehhea 
• Blood and mucus in bowel movements
• Chronic bloating and gas
• Constipation
• Bowel obstruction
• Nausea
• Rapid weight loss 

Causes:

• Immune system problems
• Genetics
• Environmental factors

This is what I'm doing now to heal:

I am recording what I eat and how I react to certain foods everyday. I have cut out all nightshades, gluten and wheat, dairy, red meat and caffeine from my diet. I have started a very blood cleansing yoga practice in the mornings and a restorative yoga practice in the evenings. As I write this I am suffering from a flare up so a chicken broth is simmering away on the stove, ready to eat and hopefully soothe my very upset tum. I am also trying to be very kind to my body and to tell it good things like "Hey, those are some good functioning legs you've got going on there. Keep up the good work legs!"

And so my journey begins. I know I have a long road ahead of me but I want to share it with you and reach out to others who may be suffering. I will be trying some pretty quirky alternative ways to deal with Mr Chrons... Sweat Lodges and Reiki are on the agenda!! I hope my story and my stories of recovery to come inspire you to take control of your health issues, deal with emotional traumas and live with a little more bounce your step. 

I would like to leave you with my one of my favorite mantras that will hopefully lead us to work in harmony together while we share and help eachother...

Om Saha Na Vavatu
Saha Nau Bhunaktu
Saha Viryam Karavavahai
Tejasvinavadhitamastu Ma Vidvisavahai
Om Shanti Shanti Shantihi

May God protect us both together

May God nourish us together

May we gain energy to know the truth

May our study together be filled with light

May we not oppose eachother

Om peace peace peace

Astrid xx

PACING HALLWAYS

It's 3am as I pace my long dark hallway. A little babe is tucked against my torso. Knees pulled up, arms curled tightly against his chest and pressing on my heart, his little head is cradled in the space between my shoulder and neck. His sweet milky breath is warm against my skin. Its not the first time we have walked down this hall with its creaky floorboards beneath us and walls alongside us that sigh with sleepiness and restless bones. We have been pacing for much of the night. The gentle vibration of my steps and my heartbeat against his body have become the only source to his slumber. In the depths of our exhausted minds and among desperate shushhhhs I begin to imagine my little baby, my son, as a grown man. 

I begin to wonder what he will look like and who will comfort him in his times of need. 

I pull him a little closer into me. 

I wonder if there will be times in his life when he will need someone in the night to kiss his face, hold his body and tell him everything is going to be OK. 

I breathe in his baby smell and keep pacing.

I wonder if he will ever feel loneliness and pace his own hallway one day. Searching for an answer or a guidance beyond this physical realm.

I kiss his little head a hundred times. Then a hundred more for the times I cant be there.

I wonder if he will ever lie awake at night battling his swirling thoughts and feel helpless. Silently crying out for help. For some comfort.

I rub his little back and sing a soothing lullaby that I hope echos in his mind forever.

I drift to a memory of seeing a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk. His face was pressed against the hard cold concrete and his body was supported by a paper thin blanket. His dark lashes twitched with dreaming. And, I wondered if his mother once held him warm and close. Whispering promises and murmurs of love. Where is she now? Or perhaps he has always slept alone, exposed and abandoned. 

I tuck my sons feet into my dressing gown so he feels no cold. So his body is enveloped by me.

I wonder if he will know that I am always there for him and even as a tall, strong, grown man I will hold him, pace with him and speak kindness and hope into his soul.

For once I am not resentful towards this tiny nocturnal creature and his relentless night waking. In this moment I feel I could spend eternity holding his body and comforting him as we pace hallways engulfed in a quiet darkness. I tell him that as long as I am his mother he will never be alone. He will always have comfort in the dark times. I tell him that I love him, I love him, I love him. I tell him that in his darkness he will meet me. A young mother, tired but full of love, holding his weight with a strength that surpasses any emotional hurt or life's hard knocks. We will pace these long sometimes endless hallways together my son. Sleep now, you're safe and I'm here, always. 

Mama xx 

MONDAY MOTHERLY WISDOM - MOTHERHOOD IS A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE

I think everyday we are presented with moments to deepen our spiritual practice and to tune in with God. We think we need a flash yoga mat and pretty leggings. We think we will only find enlightenment by sitting upon a mountain and meditating for hours, for days or years. We seek spirituality outside of ourselves and we look for it in other peoples lives. 

It is no secret that motherhood is all consuming of time, energy and at times our sanity! But, what if motherhood was our yoga? What if we could use it as our spiritual practice? By nature mothers have a deep desire to feed their newborn baby at the breast. Giving her life sustaining nectar to a person that really does no know her. This is compassion and love. In fact, we show compassion and love on a daily basis without even realising it. Think about what you did today. You fed, bathed, cleaned, cuddled, kissed, played, worked, soothed and set about unconsciously enhancing the life of another. The basis of spiritual practice is serving others, showing compassion and connecting with something greater than ourselves. This is motherhood! 

If we look to our long arduous days of caring for our small humans with an awareness on nurturing and cultivating our spiritual practice through them, I believe, something magical might just happen. You see, I have begun doing this . A week ago I was strung out, completely drained from the sleep deprivation and complaining on a daily basis that I never get time for ME. But since I have changed my perspective and begun seeing every opportunity with my children to learn and practice my spirituality and faith, my days are no longer met with wondering how far away bed time is . They are fuller and there's a lightness to them. I am still tired but the anger and hopelessness has been stripped away. I still get frustrated at my toddler when she doesn't listen to me (ever!!!) but I'm learning to question my reactions and to practice more patience. I would still like time to myself but I am finding quiet moments amongst the chaos to drop down from my mind and into my body and to just breathe.

Now you may be reading this and thinking "A spiritual experience would be my baby taking more than a 40 minute nap and being able to pee alone!" Trust me I know how you feel! However, I have been miserable fighting what is my life. My life of early mornings, many times awoken at night, tantrums, mess and being knee deep in poo every.damn.day. I don't want to be miserable, so I have decided to live fully in the present and allow the sweetness of this act to break my heart open and release all that toxic resentment and just embrace this journey. Children are little tyrants at the best of times but they also know how to be authentically themselves, live in the moment and exude a joy that us oldies can only hope to experience again one day. 

I feel they have a lot to teach us. Our children are the perfect beings to begin practicing mindfulness, compassion, gratitude, kindness and grasping the moments when joy floods your veins and thanking God for this incredible gift of connection and for being brought back home to what is true for all of us and that is our ability to LOVE.

Astrid xx

A TEA MEDITATION

Little snores from my children softly purr throughout the house. I stand in the warmth of candlelight. Its flickering flame both mesmerising and purifying. The kettle on the stove squeals its little I'm done! song. A herbal tea bag full of nourishment is dropped into the bottom of my favorite well used, well sipped cup. A cup whose china has felt my lips on cold mornings, on tiresome afternoons and lonely nights. I slowly pour the boiled water over the tea bag and watch as the magic of infusion changes the liquids color to a murky brown. I'm transported to a chai wallahs cart in India as the spicy smells of cardamon, cinnamon, star anise and pepper seep into my nose through the swirling steam. 

This is wellness.

In this moment I am not sick anymore. I am not fighting off thoughts of hopelessness. I am not consumed by how to be well again. I am immersed in a sweet meditation of present moment experience where a beautiful exchange is taking place. 

Eyes closed I inhale; warmth radiates into my hands which lovingly hold my cup of goodness.

Exhale; the warmth of my exhalation, my life force, creates little ripples across the surface of my tea, like a soft breeze would over a deep lagoon.

Inhale; I sip and savior the beautiful flavors and warmth.

Exhale; a satisfied sigh of gratitude and happiness.

There are many roads to wellness, many pathways in which we set foot on only to take a wrong turn and to come trudging back to search out where we got lost, often dragging behind us a suitcase of guilt, disappointment, self loathing and despair. Everyone says "go this way!" another says "No come this way!" But when do we say "I'm heading that way". Sometimes its not an overhaul of your pantry or a small fortune drop on a new fitness craze that can bring us back into balance. Sometimes it's as simple as being fully with and in the presence of yourself and something you love. Being pleasantly consumed by all reactions of your senses on a simple, quiet and nourishing act. 

Perhaps all it could take that day to feel well again is sipping on a warm cup of hot chai on a cold winters night. 

Astrid xx

MONDAY MOTHERLY WISDOM - IS SOCIAL MEDIA RUINING YOUR MOTHERHOOD EXPERIENCE?

Its after lunch and we are still in our PJs. We are laughing because Louie just did a
fart! #rawmotherhood

When I held my sweet babe for the first time, inhaling her smell of newness and kissing her still womb warmed skin, the last thing on my mind was posting this precious moment on Instagram - or Tweeting it - or showing it on Facebook. I feel lucky that back then I was ignorant to social medias popularity and its power. The memory of meeting my daughter is etched into a part of my brain that does not fade with the hours of life that pass on by. Before I became a regular participator on social media I did not care about how many likes a picture of my child's chubby cheeks got. I cared about how many times I had kissed them that day. A lot has changed in the three years since I had my baby surrounding social media. It has been both a blessing and a curse on how we interact and share our lives.

Yoga practice and yoga shoots are always hijacked by a mini yogi
#rawmotherhood

In this present time, I feel a vibration of anxiety surrounding all of theses photos and posts of our families and our lives. It seems there is a silent race to be the top social media mummy. Who can make it look the shiniest ,the prettiest, the most peaceful? It broods with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

But motherhood isn't shiny or pretty or peaceful.

Its loud and dirty and the last time I looked at my house, not so pretty either! The other day I saw this gorgeous photo of a mum breastfeeding while naked. Her boobs were all smooth and perky and there wasn't a trace of a shadow under her dreamy vegan eyes. I got a little inspired and thought I'd try to recreate the same picture. While this other mama looked like Aphrodite feeding baby Jesus, I looked like a haggered old hippy with a child that was sucking on my ape looking  tatas (think tennis ball in a sock) like a furiously hungry lamb and to top it off, he was spread eagle, playing joyously with his willy. I felt so defeated. So ugly and at a loss as to what I had to offer my online mama group. I sure as hell did not fit in with these 'perfect goddesses'. It annoys me that I can have a bad day and feel bad about myself because of these pretend glimpses into another families life. I am the mother I am. The perfect mother for my children and I'm on a mission to stop this parasite in my mind that has been whispering otherwise. 

Forever pulling out all of our clothes and dressing up in Dads hats
#rawmotherhood

Don't get me wrong, for the most part I actually adore feasting my eyes on these mothers photographs and being warmed by their heartfelt posts describing their love for their children. It is inspiring. Its just I feel their needs to be a little bit more real. I have thought long and hard about advice I can offer you, sweet mama, when you are having joy stolen from your motherhood experience because of the comparisons you make. I hope these help you (and me also!) to just own and enjoy the mother that you are. 

• Do not look at your phone when you awake in the morning and for at least 2 hours afterwards. Do not start your day with a flood of images and posts that could bring you down before you've even had your morning wee.
• Make a list of at least 10 things you truly love to do with your children. Is it being in nature and taking walks? Is it visiting a cool cafe and sharing yummy food and fluffies with them? Do you just love moulding  playdough worms in your fingers with them? This is your list and if it doesn't include elaborate crafting then that is OK! 
• Now each day for the next week, pick one of these activities and do it. And while you do it, put your phone away and do not take any photos of it. Be fully engaged, in the present moment and know that this is just precious time for you and your babies. It does not need to be recorded. 
• There are quite a few mums out there who actually get paid to blog, contribute their photos and keep a strong presence on social media. It is their job to make things look really good and perfect. Its their livelihood. Bearing this in mind, know that it's their job to present only their best and they work all sorts of crazy hours to do this. 
• Your children chose YOU. If they wanted @yogimamaearthlovinggodess then they would have landed in her belly. But, your children have chosen you, because you are imperfectly perfect for them and their experience of this life.
• Would you want your daughter or son comparing themselves to other people in cyber space? What would you tell them? Write your answer down and keep it near when you begin to doubt your worthiness.
• Read inspiring books about women and mothers. Cultivate your own images from these books and seek out the ancient wisdom of the motherly sages who lived and nurtured before us. 
• Try to meet up face to face with a fellow mama friend every week. Pour out your woes and happy moments to each other. Lend messages of comfort and empathy. Offer help and ask for help. Snuggle each others babies and learn new ways to do things. These bonds are so healing!
• I will end with what I usually elude to and that is to spend time with just yourself. It can be hard to think when you are inundated with demands from your children and then add the pressure of scrolling through everyone's lives and you have one overstimulated and overloaded mind. Resist the urge to look at your phone right before bed. Instead use that time to meditate, practice mindful breathing, writing, talking and snuggling with your love or watching something funny and light hearted.

Get nude, escape, destroy, poop, repeat!
#rawmotherhood

Now go fourth my strong amazing mothers! Be raw, be real, show your #rawmotherhood! You are ENOUGH and no photo or post is capable of showing the beaming ray of light that your children think you are, every single day.

Astrid xx

MONDAY MOTHERLY WISDOM - NIGHT NESTING

A little bottom shuffles quickly backwards to fit snugly into the crescent curve of my body. He likes the warmth and softness of my stomach and breasts.

The perfect place for a babe to rest.

He pushes his head up underneath my chin and I watch little tufts of snowy white hair rise and fall against my breath.

I stroke the smooth line from the center of his brow and down to the tip of his nose. His breath deepens and slows as he falls heavier into sleep from this magic touch.

I gently try to pull myself away but he stirs, so I stay.

I lay there in the dark and think of how equally blissful and frustrating it is to be doing nothing but inhaling the sweetness of my children.

Apart of me wants this moment to freeze in time and another cant help but think of all the things I need to do ; the dishes that need scrubbing, the floors that need sweeping, the world that needs changing...

But, what is life and the world if I can't stay just lay here curled up with my babies offering them the connection and comfort they crave during the night.

So, I decide to pull my darlings closer and kiss their creamy skin. I promise them that above all else I will gift them my time, whether its playing in the sunbeams or snuggling, 

one on top of the other, like a family of lion clubs beneath the silvery moon.

Astrid xx

WHATS YOUR WORD FOR 2015?

My fearless flyer. My teacher. My daughter

Time is a natural part of this human life. We live in the now and at every moment we leave behind a past and move into a future. Every second can be used as a time to reflect and to change. The new year brings a great opportunity to reminisce on the year that has passed (where did it go?) and how we would like to shape the year ahead. 

One year ago I stood under stark florescent lights in a long line of hungry, suppressed and struggling people. A man in front of me stood barefoot, smelling of urine, weed and oppression. The two guys behind me bantered about their latest stint in prison and the crack they had smoked that morning. I stood in my middle class white clothing holding my baby and asking myself what the fuck I was doing here. Why had I let my family get to this point of being so broke we had to collect emergency food parcels. Tears sprung to my eyes and then I felt something shake inside of me and break open like an earthquake splitting the earth apart. An enormous amount of courage and determination burst out of my brokenness. 

No more. 

This was the last time I ever allowed my family to get to this place. I prayed to God for change and a pathway out of this. Something shifted. A calm flowed over me and I knew what I had to do and what was ahead. 

The sun is streaming through my new little apartment, casting light into dark corners in the City of Angels today. Fresh produce is stacked up in our fridge and my family is happy, healthy and for the moment at peace. A year on and life is very different. It has been a long road, with a lot of hard work and sacrifices have been made. I think about standing in that line often, as it reminds me of where we have come from and what can be achieved with a shift in your mindset and some self education. Every single moment in life can be either met with "woe is me" or "teach me". Every emotion can be fought against or we can be kind to ourselves and take a quiet space to nurture those hurts and breathe compassion and love into them. However, some shitty, cruel and relentless suffering happens in this world. I would like to acknowledge those who have very little choice and have been born into war, unfathomable poverty and who are at the hands of broken, evil humans. I will never understand the pain and suffering that these people must endure. All we can do is look to those who are trying to carve out change by rising up against the warped ideas of power hungry individuals. It's the Nelson Mandelas, the Gandhis, the Malala Yousufzais, the foster parents, the environmentalists and all those wonderful souls who are working towards a better, more peaceful world.

These inspiring people got me thinking about what my word for 2015 would be. I have decided it would be COURAGE. To have the courage to take risks, to go against the norm and be fearless when it comes to going after my dreams. To have the courage to be honest with my family and ask for their help when it's needed. To be courageous and speak up more for myself and those who need a voice. Courage is deciding to step off that cliff of uncertainty and fall into an undiscovered ocean of challenges and opportunities. 

What is your word? What will you be threading into your year?

Wishing everyone, all six billion and something souls on this earth, on this damn beautiful mess of a planet, a happy, loved up, COURAGEOUS and blessed new year.

Love Astrid xx