DREAMING UP ANGER

In the day I seek the light and shun any fears or darker parts of myself aside. I become a great actress with my lines memorized for each and every situation I will encounter that day. It’s how I have learnt to survive in this world.

But at night I enter the darkness and I travel with my dreams into the realms of fear, truth and the many different facets that make me up as a women. 

Last night I dreamt that I moved into a home high up on a hill in the country. The grass was all dried up and the colour of wheat. The air was heavy with humidity. Everything seemed so still. I stood at the doorway of my cottage and peered through the waves of heat at a path that cascaded down the hill. Two people began to approach. As they got closer I could see it was my ex husband and a women who has hurt me in waking life immensely. Even now I still feel the daggers she has left in my back. I was wearing a pretty white dress with a red and white polka dot apron over the top. My hair was out and although I looked soft and feminine a staunch power was surrounding me. My ex-husband stopped and lent on a rock, lit up a cigarette, tilted his head and with a jerk of it he ushered for the woman to approach me. I narrowed my eyes and kissed my teeth. There was no way I was going to let her anywhere near my home. I then realized I was holding a large stick that was carved with all sorts of traditional  Maori patterns. My knuckles began to turn white with the grip I had around it. I stepped through the doorway and in a large, strong and commanding voice I bellowed, “Get off my WHENUA!” (Whenua is the Maori word for land and also placenta.) I said this over and over again but still she walked closer to me, smiling with a smugness that boiled my blood and made me stand even taller and command even stronger for her to leave my land. We came nose to nose, woman to woman and stared each other down. “LEAVE.” I said, with such ferocity that she backed up. Though she still smiled that smug smile. I turned to my right and looked over at my huge black dog that had been watching this all play out. I gave him a look that said “Get rid of her”. He slowly got up and began to snarl and growl. He walked like he was stalking her, ready to kill. She was backing down the hill now, though still reluctantly. My dog and I both barred our teeth and with a deafening bark from him and one last, “Get off my Whenua!!” from me. The woman finally disappeared.

So much self-doubt and confusion has been swirling around me but dreams like this let me know I’m travelling in the dark to seek the darkness in spite of my fears. My miraculous mind is giving me stories of the strong woman within, the angry woman within, the protector woman within and how to mend my heart in waking life using these puzzle pieces that make me up.

Our messages in our dreams are medicinal antidotes to those bigger emotions we seem to suppress such as anger. I find it hard to let the fire of anger burn in the way it needs to and to slowly snuff it out with patience and love. Instead I suppress it and let it burn in a place inside that allows its flames to lick the compassion and empathy right out of me. This is why my dream time is so important. Especially as a mother with very little time in the day to get quiet with myself, I wait until the moon is high and in front and behind my eyelids is darkness. It is then all masks are taken off and my script is left behind.  It is then I slip into the work of spirit.

A x

HOW TO BE A MINDFUL MAMA

Mindfulness is a common term used in meditation circles and among the new age spiritually intrigued.   It cultivates an image and feeling of blissful stillness and deep inner peace. We often here yoga and meditation teachers telling us to "empty the mind" which as a parent seems near impossible most of the time, but I have a different take on the word mindful and how it can benefit the journey of motherhood. 

When we break up the word it becomes mind-FULL. How about instead of trying to constantly empty our minds we fill it up with the present moment. As mothers we have an abundance of opportunities to fill our scattered brains with beautiful appreciation and awareness of the sensory experience of motherhood. Here are some ways to to slow down a little, reduce stress and become a more mindful mama x

• Start the day with cuddles and kisses. Lots of them! I use to wake up resentful of the lack of sleep I had, the crying out for "breakfast now mama!" and the fact I couldn't slide back under my duvet cover until the sun had at least properly risen. Now when my children's little pink fingers slip the blankets down and climb their warm bed bodies in next to me, I squeeze them and I kiss them until they scream "stop it mama!" and then I hold them closer a little more. Children, especially young ones, are still so in their bodies. This means that physical contact and plenty of it is incredibly important and beneficial for their physical and emotional wellbeing. Up until the age of two they still think they are attached to their mother. We need to nurture this physiological aspect of our children and it starts by becoming aware. Start the day by being mindful of the close physical connection our children need to have with us and squeeze love and kindness out of your body and into theirs then watch your day unfold in a whole new way.
• Cultivate ritual and gratitude. Another important morning aspect for us is saying a little blessing over our breakfast and then I sit with them as they eat and ask them what they are grateful for today. They usually say "I'm grateful for my porridge and toast! or for mummy and daddy!". This brings in mindfulness by making sure you, mama, eat a proper breakfast first and foremost. We then become mindful of how blessed we are in our lives and also rituals such as these force us to connect with our families and to become mindful of what our loved ones are thinking and feeling. Even if it is just how much they love their toast! Here is the blessing we use at meal times. It is a Waldorf inspired verse: Blessings on the blossoms and blessings on the fruit, blessings on the tress and leaves and blessings on the roots. Thank you for food!
• Give yourself timeout. I recently attended a parenting seminar and one of the best things I learnt was that timeout for children doesn't work but instead you can give yourself time out. I can become very overwhelmed by my children's tantrums and anger. I never knew such little people could fill me with so much stress and rage! Now I try as calm as possible to say "Mummy is going to the bathroom" (or wherever I can hide out for a moment) and take myself to timeout. I may cuss a little under my breath, rub my head and then start taking a few big deep breaths. I remind myself that I have reached my limit and that's OK. It's important to be mindful of your own feelings and to energize yourself first before tackling stressful situations such as toddler meltdowns. I then remind myself that my children are very little, need love and understanding but clear boundaries too. Be mindful of your own limits and reducing stress by having mama timeouts. Don't forget those big deep belly breaths. They really help calm a fraught nervous system.
• Find one thing, one act of love, to be your meditation and do it with mindfulness every single day. It can be anything from sipping your morning coffee, to kissing your loved ones goodbye or pulling soft woolly socks over your babies toes. Whatever you chose, do it with full presence and give it your full attention. Become aware of the smells, the way it feels against your skin or the sound of what you've chosen. Immerse yourself in the small details of your chosen moment. Remember that you can find peace and stillness in the most smallest of acts and they can fill you up with a warmth that feels like the sun is beaming out from inside of you. 
• Love your body. Do this today or a soon as possible:  Buy yourself the most luxurious, creamy and heavenly smelling body lotion. Then every day smother lashings of it over your beautiful life giving body. Massage it in to yourself the way you would massage a lover. With tenderness, kindness and a lot of love. Breathe in big inhales and exhales as you do this and smile at the parts you love and hate about yourself. In fact, linger a little more on the parts you hate as they will be needing extra love. When we become mindful in acts of self love, we step out into the world with an inner confidence knowing that we have taken a moment in our day to honour these mama bodies that give so much on a daily basis. 
• Have in breath and out breath moments in your day. A common complaint among parents of today is the busyness of it all. We are constantly rushing from one thing to the next, never stopping, never taking a moment to just be and breathe. We think our children's days have to be filled to the brim with activities and constant stimulation. In breath moments are those times when the kids are running around, dinner is being cooked, washing is being hung and mud pies in the garden are being thrown around with shouts of glee! Out breath moments are sitting in mamas lap to read a story or hear a soft song sung, slow walks through nature and watching clouds pass by on cosy blankets outside. Be mindful of having these slower moments in your day for your children and yourself. They will help to gather your thoughts, re energize and bring peace back into the home.

Mindfulness to me is bringing all the goodness that is in life into our minds and acknowledging the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings too. Life as mama can sometimes feel like you are amidst a big stormy sea with crashing waves all around, dark murky water with no bottom in sight and no compass to direct the way home. Just know that we have all been in that ocean and in those dark times. Just stop, breathe and you will find the calm beyond the fury of the storm. It is always there. You know it is. That peace resides in you no matter what and if you want it, it is there to take your hand and lead you into being the mindful mama that you always were. xx

MOTHERLY WISDOM - WEANING

Milkies out of a cup - Bye bye boobies!

Today I decided to wean my youngest, Louie. After thinking long and hard about this descion and seeking advice, it suddenly feels right. But also a tiny bit sad too. We have been been bossom buddies for 21 months now. He has curled up in the crook of my arm and nestled into the soft warmth of my milky vessels and nursed contentley to sleep, in times of thirst, after scraped knees, in times of insecurity and for sheer comfort. I would relish in the quiet time of this nurturing practice and the pulse of feel good hormones that would flood my body each time. I feel very very blessed to have had a breastfeeding relationship as it's something I personally had always wanted when dreaming up my life as mother. 

Mamas boy for life

Like all things in life, change is inevitable and holding on tight with resistant white knuckles will only cause pain. My life changed when I got sick. Lack of sleep and breastfeeding a toddler while running after his older sibling is hard enough as it is without the added stress of a depleted body. And that is the crux of why I have decided to wean. I am depleted. With no reserves to cling onto when I'm unwell and the broken sleep night after night was not serving me, him or my family anymore. It is still hard though.. I feel that sense of loss and my little boy being one step closer to his independence. Snipping at those apron strings takes a great deal of strength and compassion for yourself. Motherhood requires a lot of sincere compassion as it's a constant rhythm of pulling in and letting go. Inhales and exhales. Breathing in your child's distinct sweet aroma that only a mother knows and breathing out as they run full force down the grassy hills. Breathing in kisses on rose bud lips and breathing out their first day of school. We pull them in, we let them go. It's as natural as the moon sweeping in and pushing out the tides. Surrender. 

One cute bottom doing some water play

Change. It's a good thing. And in the end we must question if we are truly holding onto something for the good of the child or for our own benefits or fears. I feared disconnection from my son as we moved away from our breastfeeding relationship but what I got was a happy little boy who has found great joy in his new found curiosity away from mamas milk. And we now have endless cuddles and new ways to show our love for each other. Our bond is stronger because I chose to look after me and to trust my body. I see that as a gift to my children, to show them respect for oneself and stepping out of my own selfish needs to nurture the entire family.

Astrid xx

MONDAY MOTHERLY WISDOM - IS SOCIAL MEDIA RUINING YOUR MOTHERHOOD EXPERIENCE?

Its after lunch and we are still in our PJs. We are laughing because Louie just did a
fart! #rawmotherhood

When I held my sweet babe for the first time, inhaling her smell of newness and kissing her still womb warmed skin, the last thing on my mind was posting this precious moment on Instagram - or Tweeting it - or showing it on Facebook. I feel lucky that back then I was ignorant to social medias popularity and its power. The memory of meeting my daughter is etched into a part of my brain that does not fade with the hours of life that pass on by. Before I became a regular participator on social media I did not care about how many likes a picture of my child's chubby cheeks got. I cared about how many times I had kissed them that day. A lot has changed in the three years since I had my baby surrounding social media. It has been both a blessing and a curse on how we interact and share our lives.

Yoga practice and yoga shoots are always hijacked by a mini yogi
#rawmotherhood

In this present time, I feel a vibration of anxiety surrounding all of theses photos and posts of our families and our lives. It seems there is a silent race to be the top social media mummy. Who can make it look the shiniest ,the prettiest, the most peaceful? It broods with feelings of inadequacy and insecurity.

But motherhood isn't shiny or pretty or peaceful.

Its loud and dirty and the last time I looked at my house, not so pretty either! The other day I saw this gorgeous photo of a mum breastfeeding while naked. Her boobs were all smooth and perky and there wasn't a trace of a shadow under her dreamy vegan eyes. I got a little inspired and thought I'd try to recreate the same picture. While this other mama looked like Aphrodite feeding baby Jesus, I looked like a haggered old hippy with a child that was sucking on my ape looking  tatas (think tennis ball in a sock) like a furiously hungry lamb and to top it off, he was spread eagle, playing joyously with his willy. I felt so defeated. So ugly and at a loss as to what I had to offer my online mama group. I sure as hell did not fit in with these 'perfect goddesses'. It annoys me that I can have a bad day and feel bad about myself because of these pretend glimpses into another families life. I am the mother I am. The perfect mother for my children and I'm on a mission to stop this parasite in my mind that has been whispering otherwise. 

Forever pulling out all of our clothes and dressing up in Dads hats
#rawmotherhood

Don't get me wrong, for the most part I actually adore feasting my eyes on these mothers photographs and being warmed by their heartfelt posts describing their love for their children. It is inspiring. Its just I feel their needs to be a little bit more real. I have thought long and hard about advice I can offer you, sweet mama, when you are having joy stolen from your motherhood experience because of the comparisons you make. I hope these help you (and me also!) to just own and enjoy the mother that you are. 

• Do not look at your phone when you awake in the morning and for at least 2 hours afterwards. Do not start your day with a flood of images and posts that could bring you down before you've even had your morning wee.
• Make a list of at least 10 things you truly love to do with your children. Is it being in nature and taking walks? Is it visiting a cool cafe and sharing yummy food and fluffies with them? Do you just love moulding  playdough worms in your fingers with them? This is your list and if it doesn't include elaborate crafting then that is OK! 
• Now each day for the next week, pick one of these activities and do it. And while you do it, put your phone away and do not take any photos of it. Be fully engaged, in the present moment and know that this is just precious time for you and your babies. It does not need to be recorded. 
• There are quite a few mums out there who actually get paid to blog, contribute their photos and keep a strong presence on social media. It is their job to make things look really good and perfect. Its their livelihood. Bearing this in mind, know that it's their job to present only their best and they work all sorts of crazy hours to do this. 
• Your children chose YOU. If they wanted @yogimamaearthlovinggodess then they would have landed in her belly. But, your children have chosen you, because you are imperfectly perfect for them and their experience of this life.
• Would you want your daughter or son comparing themselves to other people in cyber space? What would you tell them? Write your answer down and keep it near when you begin to doubt your worthiness.
• Read inspiring books about women and mothers. Cultivate your own images from these books and seek out the ancient wisdom of the motherly sages who lived and nurtured before us. 
• Try to meet up face to face with a fellow mama friend every week. Pour out your woes and happy moments to each other. Lend messages of comfort and empathy. Offer help and ask for help. Snuggle each others babies and learn new ways to do things. These bonds are so healing!
• I will end with what I usually elude to and that is to spend time with just yourself. It can be hard to think when you are inundated with demands from your children and then add the pressure of scrolling through everyone's lives and you have one overstimulated and overloaded mind. Resist the urge to look at your phone right before bed. Instead use that time to meditate, practice mindful breathing, writing, talking and snuggling with your love or watching something funny and light hearted.

Get nude, escape, destroy, poop, repeat!
#rawmotherhood

Now go fourth my strong amazing mothers! Be raw, be real, show your #rawmotherhood! You are ENOUGH and no photo or post is capable of showing the beaming ray of light that your children think you are, every single day.

Astrid xx

MONDAY MOTHERLY WISDOM - NIGHT NESTING

A little bottom shuffles quickly backwards to fit snugly into the crescent curve of my body. He likes the warmth and softness of my stomach and breasts.

The perfect place for a babe to rest.

He pushes his head up underneath my chin and I watch little tufts of snowy white hair rise and fall against my breath.

I stroke the smooth line from the center of his brow and down to the tip of his nose. His breath deepens and slows as he falls heavier into sleep from this magic touch.

I gently try to pull myself away but he stirs, so I stay.

I lay there in the dark and think of how equally blissful and frustrating it is to be doing nothing but inhaling the sweetness of my children.

Apart of me wants this moment to freeze in time and another cant help but think of all the things I need to do ; the dishes that need scrubbing, the floors that need sweeping, the world that needs changing...

But, what is life and the world if I can't stay just lay here curled up with my babies offering them the connection and comfort they crave during the night.

So, I decide to pull my darlings closer and kiss their creamy skin. I promise them that above all else I will gift them my time, whether its playing in the sunbeams or snuggling, 

one on top of the other, like a family of lion clubs beneath the silvery moon.

Astrid xx

WHATS YOUR WORD FOR 2015?

My fearless flyer. My teacher. My daughter

Time is a natural part of this human life. We live in the now and at every moment we leave behind a past and move into a future. Every second can be used as a time to reflect and to change. The new year brings a great opportunity to reminisce on the year that has passed (where did it go?) and how we would like to shape the year ahead. 

One year ago I stood under stark florescent lights in a long line of hungry, suppressed and struggling people. A man in front of me stood barefoot, smelling of urine, weed and oppression. The two guys behind me bantered about their latest stint in prison and the crack they had smoked that morning. I stood in my middle class white clothing holding my baby and asking myself what the fuck I was doing here. Why had I let my family get to this point of being so broke we had to collect emergency food parcels. Tears sprung to my eyes and then I felt something shake inside of me and break open like an earthquake splitting the earth apart. An enormous amount of courage and determination burst out of my brokenness. 

No more. 

This was the last time I ever allowed my family to get to this place. I prayed to God for change and a pathway out of this. Something shifted. A calm flowed over me and I knew what I had to do and what was ahead. 

The sun is streaming through my new little apartment, casting light into dark corners in the City of Angels today. Fresh produce is stacked up in our fridge and my family is happy, healthy and for the moment at peace. A year on and life is very different. It has been a long road, with a lot of hard work and sacrifices have been made. I think about standing in that line often, as it reminds me of where we have come from and what can be achieved with a shift in your mindset and some self education. Every single moment in life can be either met with "woe is me" or "teach me". Every emotion can be fought against or we can be kind to ourselves and take a quiet space to nurture those hurts and breathe compassion and love into them. However, some shitty, cruel and relentless suffering happens in this world. I would like to acknowledge those who have very little choice and have been born into war, unfathomable poverty and who are at the hands of broken, evil humans. I will never understand the pain and suffering that these people must endure. All we can do is look to those who are trying to carve out change by rising up against the warped ideas of power hungry individuals. It's the Nelson Mandelas, the Gandhis, the Malala Yousufzais, the foster parents, the environmentalists and all those wonderful souls who are working towards a better, more peaceful world.

These inspiring people got me thinking about what my word for 2015 would be. I have decided it would be COURAGE. To have the courage to take risks, to go against the norm and be fearless when it comes to going after my dreams. To have the courage to be honest with my family and ask for their help when it's needed. To be courageous and speak up more for myself and those who need a voice. Courage is deciding to step off that cliff of uncertainty and fall into an undiscovered ocean of challenges and opportunities. 

What is your word? What will you be threading into your year?

Wishing everyone, all six billion and something souls on this earth, on this damn beautiful mess of a planet, a happy, loved up, COURAGEOUS and blessed new year.

Love Astrid xx

MONDAY MOTHERLY WISDOM

In the blink of a tired eye our children have grown. Little heads coated in snowy white hair have turned into full blown cascading ruby red locks. Instead of being cocooned against your chest they seek the freedom of the fields and magical hiding places were they can be whoever they want. A fairy, an explorer, a mummy, a mystical creature dreamt up by their lucid minds.

As mothers we wish for for them to never grow up and to always be untouched by the whiplash of lifes hard hits. To not ever feel broken. At the same time we claw our hands into our frazzled hair and beg for long arduous days to be over. To not have to deal with another little person who will tear her own hair out if she doesn't get the purple cup. Who needs constant care and cleaning up after. Motherhood is quite tantric in a lot of ways. Full of dualities. We are essentially beings who are seeking answers and comfort, looking after beings who are also seeking answers and comfort. That in itself is something we must remind ourselves when we feel we are failing at this parenting gig. We are learning, always, about ourselves, the world and how to deal with all the experiences that flow into our life. We may be mothers, but we are also women, dreamers and souls wanting the fullest and most enriching lives possible. What a task this job is!

Lets try to savor the precious younger years of our children by taking an extra moment at night to nuzzle into their little heads as they fall asleep and inhale their sweet innocent aroma. Perhaps we could play one extra game of This Little Piggy and admire those teeney toes that once prodded you inside your tummy. We could spend one day a week where our phones are turned off and pack a bag with enough coffee and good food to keep us energized for a day of play outside. Include a rug and a good book for curling up under a tree when naps are needed. On the flipside, ensure you are getting that alone time with yourself. When I say alone time, I mean no one else around to talk to, not even your facebook friends. Settle into a little nook in a cafe and write out your anguish, read something that nourishes your soul and sip on a bottomless pot of deeply warming and nurturing tea.

Be good to you mama,
Astrid xx

THE BIRTH OF A MOTHER

It was fear that appeared in the window of my pregnancy test. Those two little lines represented the parallel that my life was running at that moment. In an instant I saw all of my hopes and dreams dashed and a new path carved out before me. I sat in the public toilets in Byron Bay and choked down the tears and looming responsibility that those two lines threatened me with and then I pulled up my big girl panties and I ran as fast as I could. I ran all the way to a grassy little hill and cried until I couldn't cry anymore. I closed my wet eyes, took a deep breath and placed my hands to my belly. Hello you......and then I was really in trouble. Fear was replaced by an ancient love. I already knew this little speck of shared reproductive juices. Her imprint had been lying within me since my beginning. It was if she had been echoing in my bones this whole time and like a powerful mantra,, had manifested itself into life. This manifestation came from the vibration of years of daydreaming, reckless love making and perhaps a little destiny. She was now submerged in her own watery universe, dividing, multiplying and changing. We were both changing. She into her physical form and I into a mother. My old self was slowly dying and I could hear the chain rattle in my inhales and exhales as I somewhat clung to my former life. But, I was excited about the birth of a new me.

Over the next few months my belly swelled, as did my day dreaming with my daughter. I would smooth my hand over my full moon round stomach and imagine I was caressing her sweet little head. I ached to just kiss those tiny toes that wriggled under my rib cage and prodded me awake in the depth of the night reminding me of her presence. Pregnancy is like one big acid trip. You float between moments of absolute euphoria, seeing colors, nature and people with new eyes and cosmic connection, then without warning you can be thrust into facing some deep dark skeletons which you have to deal with in order to melt back into a sublime state. There is nothing like pregnancy to hash up all those suppressed emotions and memories and to be made to shed them like an old skin before birthing a new one. And if you don't deal with your stuff during the generous nine months you are given then be sure it'll well up in birth and beyond.

During my labor with my daughter I had all sorts of denied emotions come up. It was like the more my hips and cervix expanded the more my embedded emotional dust got disturbed. Perhaps that why I opted out of my home birth and opted in for a spinal block. Numb the pain, oh god numb the pain. Numb the feelings, just numb everything. Yes said the doctors and yes says society. Suppress, deny, do not grieve, do not see the death of self as a rite of passage into birthing a strong grounded mother. I flipped the bird at vein chilling sedatives and detachment with the birth of my son. I stood bearing into the floor with bare feet and calling upon the millions of woman who had birthed before me, my birthing ancestors, to send their love and strength my way. Every contraction was met with a deep spiraling inside of myself. I can still see the place in my mind I went too. It was far far away, a small place that was filled with light and a glowing orange within its center. It was only in this place that I could handle the intense energy of my labor. Although I had wanted my husband to be my main form of support it was my mother holding me that felt most right. Draping into her arms and giving over the energy of my contractions to a seasoned birther and the woman who gave me the gift of life was one of the most poignant moments in my existence. It was like the contractions surged up through me from the earth, into her and then back into the earth. She was my copper wire, conducting all that power. Perhaps in that moment she became a new mother too.

I always liked the Christian notion of being reborn. But, I feel this does not happen once. We are constantly reborn on a daily, weekly and seasonal basis. Sowing our seeds of intention, shedding, hibernating and springing forth into a new life. I am not the mother I was four years ago or even a week ago. Its futile to think that this life is stable, we are constantly changing and evolving. Its merely the question of how do we flow down lifes river?

My birthing and motherhood experiences are shaping me in a way that I could not have fathomed. It is not what I thought and I have grieved those lost expectations. I am also not the mother I thought I would be. I'm weak in the areas I thought I was strong and strong in the areas I thought I was weak. I love it because I get to be creative and to be in touch with my inner child again. Birthing into motherhood has been a swirling pot of love, connection, dirty laundry, sleepless nights, loneliness, playing in imaginary castles, a lot of time outdoors, a lot of time indoors, a flow, a change, a constant rhythmic change consisting of high notes and low somber tones. In becoming a parent I have learned there is a constant teacher-student exchange. While we are mentoring our children through life we are also being taught by our greatest teachers. We grow and learn beside them. Welcome our babies to the world but do not forget to honor the birth of the mother.

Astrid xx