In the day I seek the light and shun any fears or darker
parts of myself aside. I become a great actress with my lines memorized for
each and every situation I will encounter that day. It’s how I have learnt to
survive in this world.
But at night I enter the darkness and I travel with my
dreams into the realms of fear, truth and the many different facets that make me up
as a women.
Last night I dreamt that I moved into a home high up on a hill in
the country. The grass was all dried up and the colour of wheat. The air was
heavy with humidity. Everything seemed so still. I stood at the doorway of my
cottage and peered through the waves of heat at a path that cascaded down the
hill. Two people began to approach. As they got closer I could see it was my ex
husband and a women who has hurt me in waking life immensely. Even now I still
feel the daggers she has left in my back. I was wearing a pretty white dress
with a red and white polka dot apron over the top. My hair was out and although
I looked soft and feminine a staunch power was surrounding me. My ex-husband
stopped and lent on a rock, lit up a cigarette, tilted his head and with a jerk
of it he ushered for the woman to approach me. I narrowed my eyes and kissed my
teeth. There was no way I was going to let her anywhere near my home. I then
realized I was holding a large stick that was carved with all sorts of traditional Maori patterns.
My knuckles began to turn white with the grip I had around it. I stepped
through the doorway and in a large, strong and commanding voice I bellowed, “Get
off my WHENUA!” (Whenua is the Maori word for land and also placenta.) I said this
over and over again but still she walked closer to me, smiling with a smugness
that boiled my blood and made me stand even taller and command even stronger
for her to leave my land. We came nose to nose, woman to woman and stared each
other down. “LEAVE.” I said, with such ferocity that she backed up. Though she
still smiled that smug smile. I turned to my right and looked over at my huge
black dog that had been watching this all play out. I gave him a look that said
“Get rid of her”. He slowly got up and began to snarl and growl. He walked like
he was stalking her, ready to kill. She was backing down the hill now, though still reluctantly.
My dog and I both barred our teeth and with a deafening bark from him and one
last, “Get off my Whenua!!” from me. The woman finally disappeared.
So much self-doubt and confusion has been swirling around me
but dreams like this let me know I’m travelling in the dark to seek the
darkness in spite of my fears. My miraculous mind is giving me stories of the
strong woman within, the angry woman within, the protector woman within and how
to mend my heart in waking life using these puzzle pieces that make me up.
Our messages in our dreams are medicinal antidotes to those bigger
emotions we seem to suppress such as anger. I find it hard to let the fire of
anger burn in the way it needs to and to slowly snuff it out with patience and
love. Instead I suppress it and let it burn in a place inside that allows its flames
to lick the compassion and empathy right out of me. This is why my dream time is
so important. Especially as a mother with very little time in the day to
get quiet with myself, I wait until the moon is high and in front and behind my
eyelids is darkness. It is then all masks are taken off and my script is left
behind. It is then I slip into the work
of spirit.
A x
