PACING HALLWAYS

It's 3am as I pace my long dark hallway. A little babe is tucked against my torso. Knees pulled up, arms curled tightly against his chest and pressing on my heart, his little head is cradled in the space between my shoulder and neck. His sweet milky breath is warm against my skin. Its not the first time we have walked down this hall with its creaky floorboards beneath us and walls alongside us that sigh with sleepiness and restless bones. We have been pacing for much of the night. The gentle vibration of my steps and my heartbeat against his body have become the only source to his slumber. In the depths of our exhausted minds and among desperate shushhhhs I begin to imagine my little baby, my son, as a grown man. 

I begin to wonder what he will look like and who will comfort him in his times of need. 

I pull him a little closer into me. 

I wonder if there will be times in his life when he will need someone in the night to kiss his face, hold his body and tell him everything is going to be OK. 

I breathe in his baby smell and keep pacing.

I wonder if he will ever feel loneliness and pace his own hallway one day. Searching for an answer or a guidance beyond this physical realm.

I kiss his little head a hundred times. Then a hundred more for the times I cant be there.

I wonder if he will ever lie awake at night battling his swirling thoughts and feel helpless. Silently crying out for help. For some comfort.

I rub his little back and sing a soothing lullaby that I hope echos in his mind forever.

I drift to a memory of seeing a homeless man sleeping on the sidewalk. His face was pressed against the hard cold concrete and his body was supported by a paper thin blanket. His dark lashes twitched with dreaming. And, I wondered if his mother once held him warm and close. Whispering promises and murmurs of love. Where is she now? Or perhaps he has always slept alone, exposed and abandoned. 

I tuck my sons feet into my dressing gown so he feels no cold. So his body is enveloped by me.

I wonder if he will know that I am always there for him and even as a tall, strong, grown man I will hold him, pace with him and speak kindness and hope into his soul.

For once I am not resentful towards this tiny nocturnal creature and his relentless night waking. In this moment I feel I could spend eternity holding his body and comforting him as we pace hallways engulfed in a quiet darkness. I tell him that as long as I am his mother he will never be alone. He will always have comfort in the dark times. I tell him that I love him, I love him, I love him. I tell him that in his darkness he will meet me. A young mother, tired but full of love, holding his weight with a strength that surpasses any emotional hurt or life's hard knocks. We will pace these long sometimes endless hallways together my son. Sleep now, you're safe and I'm here, always. 

Mama xx 

MONDAY MOTHERLY WISDOM - MOTHERHOOD IS A SPIRITUAL PRACTICE

I think everyday we are presented with moments to deepen our spiritual practice and to tune in with God. We think we need a flash yoga mat and pretty leggings. We think we will only find enlightenment by sitting upon a mountain and meditating for hours, for days or years. We seek spirituality outside of ourselves and we look for it in other peoples lives. 

It is no secret that motherhood is all consuming of time, energy and at times our sanity! But, what if motherhood was our yoga? What if we could use it as our spiritual practice? By nature mothers have a deep desire to feed their newborn baby at the breast. Giving her life sustaining nectar to a person that really does no know her. This is compassion and love. In fact, we show compassion and love on a daily basis without even realising it. Think about what you did today. You fed, bathed, cleaned, cuddled, kissed, played, worked, soothed and set about unconsciously enhancing the life of another. The basis of spiritual practice is serving others, showing compassion and connecting with something greater than ourselves. This is motherhood! 

If we look to our long arduous days of caring for our small humans with an awareness on nurturing and cultivating our spiritual practice through them, I believe, something magical might just happen. You see, I have begun doing this . A week ago I was strung out, completely drained from the sleep deprivation and complaining on a daily basis that I never get time for ME. But since I have changed my perspective and begun seeing every opportunity with my children to learn and practice my spirituality and faith, my days are no longer met with wondering how far away bed time is . They are fuller and there's a lightness to them. I am still tired but the anger and hopelessness has been stripped away. I still get frustrated at my toddler when she doesn't listen to me (ever!!!) but I'm learning to question my reactions and to practice more patience. I would still like time to myself but I am finding quiet moments amongst the chaos to drop down from my mind and into my body and to just breathe.

Now you may be reading this and thinking "A spiritual experience would be my baby taking more than a 40 minute nap and being able to pee alone!" Trust me I know how you feel! However, I have been miserable fighting what is my life. My life of early mornings, many times awoken at night, tantrums, mess and being knee deep in poo every.damn.day. I don't want to be miserable, so I have decided to live fully in the present and allow the sweetness of this act to break my heart open and release all that toxic resentment and just embrace this journey. Children are little tyrants at the best of times but they also know how to be authentically themselves, live in the moment and exude a joy that us oldies can only hope to experience again one day. 

I feel they have a lot to teach us. Our children are the perfect beings to begin practicing mindfulness, compassion, gratitude, kindness and grasping the moments when joy floods your veins and thanking God for this incredible gift of connection and for being brought back home to what is true for all of us and that is our ability to LOVE.

Astrid xx