DREAMING UP ANGER

In the day I seek the light and shun any fears or darker parts of myself aside. I become a great actress with my lines memorized for each and every situation I will encounter that day. It’s how I have learnt to survive in this world.

But at night I enter the darkness and I travel with my dreams into the realms of fear, truth and the many different facets that make me up as a women. 

Last night I dreamt that I moved into a home high up on a hill in the country. The grass was all dried up and the colour of wheat. The air was heavy with humidity. Everything seemed so still. I stood at the doorway of my cottage and peered through the waves of heat at a path that cascaded down the hill. Two people began to approach. As they got closer I could see it was my ex husband and a women who has hurt me in waking life immensely. Even now I still feel the daggers she has left in my back. I was wearing a pretty white dress with a red and white polka dot apron over the top. My hair was out and although I looked soft and feminine a staunch power was surrounding me. My ex-husband stopped and lent on a rock, lit up a cigarette, tilted his head and with a jerk of it he ushered for the woman to approach me. I narrowed my eyes and kissed my teeth. There was no way I was going to let her anywhere near my home. I then realized I was holding a large stick that was carved with all sorts of traditional  Maori patterns. My knuckles began to turn white with the grip I had around it. I stepped through the doorway and in a large, strong and commanding voice I bellowed, “Get off my WHENUA!” (Whenua is the Maori word for land and also placenta.) I said this over and over again but still she walked closer to me, smiling with a smugness that boiled my blood and made me stand even taller and command even stronger for her to leave my land. We came nose to nose, woman to woman and stared each other down. “LEAVE.” I said, with such ferocity that she backed up. Though she still smiled that smug smile. I turned to my right and looked over at my huge black dog that had been watching this all play out. I gave him a look that said “Get rid of her”. He slowly got up and began to snarl and growl. He walked like he was stalking her, ready to kill. She was backing down the hill now, though still reluctantly. My dog and I both barred our teeth and with a deafening bark from him and one last, “Get off my Whenua!!” from me. The woman finally disappeared.

So much self-doubt and confusion has been swirling around me but dreams like this let me know I’m travelling in the dark to seek the darkness in spite of my fears. My miraculous mind is giving me stories of the strong woman within, the angry woman within, the protector woman within and how to mend my heart in waking life using these puzzle pieces that make me up.

Our messages in our dreams are medicinal antidotes to those bigger emotions we seem to suppress such as anger. I find it hard to let the fire of anger burn in the way it needs to and to slowly snuff it out with patience and love. Instead I suppress it and let it burn in a place inside that allows its flames to lick the compassion and empathy right out of me. This is why my dream time is so important. Especially as a mother with very little time in the day to get quiet with myself, I wait until the moon is high and in front and behind my eyelids is darkness. It is then all masks are taken off and my script is left behind.  It is then I slip into the work of spirit.

A x

MONDAY MOTHERLY WISDOM

In the blink of a tired eye our children have grown. Little heads coated in snowy white hair have turned into full blown cascading ruby red locks. Instead of being cocooned against your chest they seek the freedom of the fields and magical hiding places were they can be whoever they want. A fairy, an explorer, a mummy, a mystical creature dreamt up by their lucid minds.

As mothers we wish for for them to never grow up and to always be untouched by the whiplash of lifes hard hits. To not ever feel broken. At the same time we claw our hands into our frazzled hair and beg for long arduous days to be over. To not have to deal with another little person who will tear her own hair out if she doesn't get the purple cup. Who needs constant care and cleaning up after. Motherhood is quite tantric in a lot of ways. Full of dualities. We are essentially beings who are seeking answers and comfort, looking after beings who are also seeking answers and comfort. That in itself is something we must remind ourselves when we feel we are failing at this parenting gig. We are learning, always, about ourselves, the world and how to deal with all the experiences that flow into our life. We may be mothers, but we are also women, dreamers and souls wanting the fullest and most enriching lives possible. What a task this job is!

Lets try to savor the precious younger years of our children by taking an extra moment at night to nuzzle into their little heads as they fall asleep and inhale their sweet innocent aroma. Perhaps we could play one extra game of This Little Piggy and admire those teeney toes that once prodded you inside your tummy. We could spend one day a week where our phones are turned off and pack a bag with enough coffee and good food to keep us energized for a day of play outside. Include a rug and a good book for curling up under a tree when naps are needed. On the flipside, ensure you are getting that alone time with yourself. When I say alone time, I mean no one else around to talk to, not even your facebook friends. Settle into a little nook in a cafe and write out your anguish, read something that nourishes your soul and sip on a bottomless pot of deeply warming and nurturing tea.

Be good to you mama,
Astrid xx

SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH

 

                                       

Its a dream. This life. Its all a dream. I feel that more and more now. Sometimes I catch myself speaking and I don't even believe what I'm saying. I'm merely regurgitating someone elses opinion, or a value of societies or a fear of the cultural climate I was born into. I know when its truly me speaking. The authentic self as one might say. I know its me because I feel something stir inside of me and I can see more clearly. My mask as been stripped away for a moment and I am just me, connecting with you. The fogginess has gone and I feel the words I speak penetrate into the air around me and send ripples of wind to the person who needs that spoken word the most.

I strongly feel we should be questioning what we do, why we do it and what we say on a more regular basis. How often do we take the time to be still and just let precious truths rise to the surface like champagne bubbles, ready to intoxicate us with a much greater joy than the useless spilling of pretend opinions. We want to please, we want to be liked, we want to live up to expectations that come from someone elses need to control. I want to let you in on a little secret... you will never please everyone, you will not be liked by everyone and the only expectation you will ever meet is the law of this life and that is that sometimes it is wonderful and sometimes it is very difficult. Try to imagine everyone as big heavy dusty unfinished novels. Each one filled with chapters of heartbreak, dissapointments, euphoria, conditioning and experiences very different to yours. We judge others by only reading into the chapter they are showing. We forget there are so many words before that make up this being. So many words that perhaps we will never understand. It is not our job to. All we can do is be still and listen. It's all apart of the dream. We can only imagine and dream what treasures and poison this novel beholds by staring at its hard cover.

I, like you, get so caught up with the fucked up systems of this world and the lost who puppet us all into acting out their scene. They are some of the worlds most powerful yet to me the most dazed and confused. By speaking our truths we unearth our own artists easel and begin to paint a life that is bursting with our own unique strokes and colors. Then we step back and see that by listening to our inner voice a portrait of love, forgiveness and freedom has been created.

Channel your inner truth:

• Pray. Pray for clarity and truth.
• Practice active listening instead of reactive listening where you just want to say your piece without really absorbing what someone is saying.
• Question everything you do in life from when you open those beautiful gifts called eyes till you close them at night. Are you living by default or with meaning?
• Aknowledge your reality fully and honestly. This way we let go of assumptions and tone down any dramatic scenarios we make up in our mind.
• Listen to your gut. Mama was spitting some truth when she told you this one. If you feel something on a deep level then that is your truth.
• Reflect on your health. If you don't start voicing your truth or living it, your body will have a hard time keeping up with the lies. Lies are like poison to the body. 
• Just be still. For one moment everyday, close your eyes and just allow the wisdom to float up. Don't be scared, love, you're merely a lotus in the muddy pond water awaiting to rise and show the full expression of your beauty. 

Astrid xx