MOTHERLY WISDOM - WEANING

Milkies out of a cup - Bye bye boobies!

Today I decided to wean my youngest, Louie. After thinking long and hard about this descion and seeking advice, it suddenly feels right. But also a tiny bit sad too. We have been been bossom buddies for 21 months now. He has curled up in the crook of my arm and nestled into the soft warmth of my milky vessels and nursed contentley to sleep, in times of thirst, after scraped knees, in times of insecurity and for sheer comfort. I would relish in the quiet time of this nurturing practice and the pulse of feel good hormones that would flood my body each time. I feel very very blessed to have had a breastfeeding relationship as it's something I personally had always wanted when dreaming up my life as mother. 

Mamas boy for life

Like all things in life, change is inevitable and holding on tight with resistant white knuckles will only cause pain. My life changed when I got sick. Lack of sleep and breastfeeding a toddler while running after his older sibling is hard enough as it is without the added stress of a depleted body. And that is the crux of why I have decided to wean. I am depleted. With no reserves to cling onto when I'm unwell and the broken sleep night after night was not serving me, him or my family anymore. It is still hard though.. I feel that sense of loss and my little boy being one step closer to his independence. Snipping at those apron strings takes a great deal of strength and compassion for yourself. Motherhood requires a lot of sincere compassion as it's a constant rhythm of pulling in and letting go. Inhales and exhales. Breathing in your child's distinct sweet aroma that only a mother knows and breathing out as they run full force down the grassy hills. Breathing in kisses on rose bud lips and breathing out their first day of school. We pull them in, we let them go. It's as natural as the moon sweeping in and pushing out the tides. Surrender. 

One cute bottom doing some water play

Change. It's a good thing. And in the end we must question if we are truly holding onto something for the good of the child or for our own benefits or fears. I feared disconnection from my son as we moved away from our breastfeeding relationship but what I got was a happy little boy who has found great joy in his new found curiosity away from mamas milk. And we now have endless cuddles and new ways to show our love for each other. Our bond is stronger because I chose to look after me and to trust my body. I see that as a gift to my children, to show them respect for oneself and stepping out of my own selfish needs to nurture the entire family.

Astrid xx

REVENGE ON THE BOA

“Look at me. Look at my saggy tits full of stretch marks and scars. Ohhhh yea! Do you see them? LOOK!”  These were some of the first words I uttered in my introduction to Burlesque and Body Self-Confidence class. Staring into the eyes of a complete stranger I had to work my way up my body telling them to stare at all the parts I loved and all the parts I hated. My bony feet that have taken me everywhere I need to go in life, my mother’sknobby knees, my incredible thighs, my hips that had expanded to house children, my milk filled and overworked breasts, my slender neck and my face. A face I have admittedly stared into a mirror and spat how much I hated it. But here I was, commanding this stranger to look at me for all I am, flawed andimperfect and utterly ‘fabulous’.

Hold on, weren’t we supposed to be gyrating a chair in some slutty underwear whilst lip syncing some cliché Beyoncé song?Licking our lips and undoing all the hard work of our feminist sisters. Wasn’t I just here to spice up my sex life a little? As it had become about as interesting as a mommy and me group.According to our teacher, Cat, in her swirled British-American accent, “absolutely fucking not”. This workshop was not about pretending to be the epitome of what society thinks women should be, it was about creating a performance that brought out you or an aspect of you that had been locked away in societies little box of taboo.

And so the five week burlesque workshop journey began with my troupe. We were all there for different reasons but I think we all shared the same lust to embody our powerful and divinely beautiful feminine side. For me, I wanted to unlock my inner goddess who had been handcuffed by bad relationships, bosses who had berated me, women who had bullied me, people’s expectations which I’d failed to meet and a huge lack of self-worth. I also wanted to express a side of me that was lost when I became mother. My body is now shared, tugged and constantly sought after for comfort and protection. I wanted to feel like for a moment my body was my own again and I wanted to get back in touch with my sexuality.

It wasn’t easy coming up with poses and a whole routine. It turns out there is a lot more to commanding your presence on the stage than I had expected. And then I got my awkward little hands on a midnight black feather boa. It became an extension of myself and an integral part of my act as it was to be used to seek revenge on all those who had wronged me. I got to pour out all of my unforgiving thoughts and emotions into a sequence of sultry and powerful movements with that boa, that demanded therespect and presence of the space and energy in which I was creating. Sometimes it feels better than good to stop working at forgiving and to just do something that says fuck you, here I am and I’m taking my power back.

While I’m a long way off a dazzling polished performance or stripping down to nipple tassels, I catch myself now being able to look at people in the eye when they speak to me. My initial thoughts when I meet someone are no longer “they aren’t going to like me. I’m too weird, I’m too quiet, I’m too skinny and I’m not interesting enough. Save your dignity Astrid and walk away now!”. Unapologetic for who I am and what I have to offer to the world is the skin I now reside in. It has also been a gift to see the other woman in my class express and evolve a part of themselves that has been itching to get out. I went to this workshop as I was always intrigued by the Burlesque world but never did I think it would have such a profound impact on my self-confidence. So look at me. I am a fearless and beautiful goddess and I’M FABULOUS!

Astrid xx