TREE HUGGING IN LOS ANGELES

Moving to Hollywood saw the same look of dismay on my face as a child who was prematurely told that Santa does not exist. The absence of princesses living happily ever after and people falling madly in love in cute little hipster outfits saw my romanticism of the place die in quite an instant. While there is beauty here it is snuggled up with a lot of litter, poverty, shit stained streets and souls grasping for the illusion of happiness from fame and fortune. Nevertheless, I love it. I don't want to leave this reckless town and its relentless heaving of noise and chaos. For all its filth, tacky glamour and prostitutes hollering on my 7am walk, there are the mountain walks, the many kindred spirits and so much for the senses to explore. The ability to escape and replenish the soul is as easy as heading up Western ave, taking a right onto Los Feliz Boulevard and a left onto Fern Dell drive to find yourself in a woodland paradise called Griffith Park. Deer and horses a plenty, cellphone reception and smog at a minimum. It's here I have spent many hours seated under tall trees gathering my thoughts into my minds basket, ready to sort out the weeds from the blossoms. I love watching the trees in autumn in this town. The branches bare and bent resemble a kind old lady's arthritic fingers pointing out to a distant memory. Chlorophyll drained leaves are plucked by the fall breeze and swirl down creating a fiery red and brown rug for its forest floor. These old woody giants stand tall and admire the seasonal loss. They do not wither or complain about the changes that occur but instead seem to look upon their letting go with admiration and go as far as to create beauty with their shedding. I always look to the trees when needing inspiration to keep going, to keep changing without resilience.

Los Angeles could beat you down. It could strip you bare with its capitalist teeth, exposing your naked bones which are splintered with insecurities, worthlessness and doubt. Or perhaps you could be like the trees. Feeling the weave of the winter blanket being stitched across your vulnerabilities and creating a hardy new skin on those exposed limbs. Swaying with the changes but always rooting down to seek life force and sustenance from the earth. Staying grounded in the storm. I think that's what has got me through this upheaval of moving from one country to another. I have not resisted or challenged the change unfolding in front of me. I have seen the lessons and beauty in the transitional times, and midwifed that inner child into the birth of a new chapter of her life when she has wanted to run away scared into her safe yet stagnant past.

I bid you to make like a 1960's Californian hippy and start hugging some trees when your soul is feeling tethered. The great thing about this place is you have to be really crazy to look crazy so be a free spirit! Learn from nature that speaks in tongues of beauty and time because they have and will continue to outlast us through their effortless meetings with change. 

Astrid x

EMBRACING YOUR DARKNESS

"Fear is a natural reaction of moving closer to the truth" Pema Chodron

Have you ever watched somebody face as you tell them you're depressed? The crinkling in the brow, the slight glaze in their eyes as they subconsciously detach from the pain you are expressing. Even the nostrils begin to flare little as their breath quickens. All these subtle movements are a result of fear. We are afraid of our darkness. We shift uncomfortably when fear creeps into our peripherals, as if agitated by an itch we can't quite get to. Negative emotions are usually met with denial or suppression, but if we just sat in stillness with them letting them come to full fruition we would be amazed at the healing that would follow.

I sat at my kitchen bench oneday, my favourite spot in the house. It has the nice contrast of the cold marble beneath my arms and the warm sun filtering through the window heating my cheeks, turning them a dusty pink. My son all milky white sits at my feet which dangle off the breakfast stool. He's making his own magnificent orchestra with the pots and pans. My daughter lays sleeplily on the couch twirling a lock of her copper hair. I have everything to be greatful for, yet in the pit of my stomach there is a heaviness. When I start to become aware of it my heart is signaled to beat faster as I become afraid of this feeling. But, for whatever reason, that day I plucked up the courage to close my eyes and drop into that churning sorrow in the pit of my stomach. As I did this I felt as though I was falling off a high cliff into a deep dark crevice. As I fell into the engulfing darkeness the full realization of my pain began to take over. It was no longer islolated to my stomach, it soared through my body quaking with its power. Just when I thought I couldn't feel anymore grief I felt myself softly land at the bottom of the crevice. No longer did I feel isolated but instead a part of the darkness and the earth that surrounded me. It was if my bones were making themselves home in the rock and sediment. I was whole yet everywhere. It was a feeling of absoloute expansion. Then a memory came and I was a little girl again, seven years old, seated on my fathers couch afraid, tearful and angry. My brother and I had been subject to deep emotional abuse from another family member, only one of the many times. I remember hearing my dad come home from work and running into his arms, briefly taking in his comforting smell of sandalwood, house paint and cigarettes, then heaving into sobs trying to tell him through gasping breaths what had happened. My young self with her soul shattered was seeking comfort and justice. A justice that never came. So, I was going to see it right instead. I saw myself now as a mother and an adult take the 7 year old me into my arms and I cradled her and let her weep into my chest. I stroked her golden hair and kissed her soft rosy cheeks. I told her I was going to fight for her and she didnt have to be afraid anymore. I looked into her wet blue eyes and whispered that she didn't have to hold onto this pain any longer and I was going to take over now. I pressed my forehead against my young self and breathed unconditional love into her. I then held her even closer to me and with a very stern and powerful voice I told those who had betrayed my younger self exactly what I thought of them and that they no longer had the power to hurt us. They were deeply sorry and I saw their own pain and trauma in their lives. It was no excuse, but I had an understanding. I then took this younger me to a beautiful room with all of her favouite things and tucked her into a feathery soft bed where she could now peacefully rest. It was then I noticed that the grief and pain I had been holding onto was gone. I felt serene and empowered.

When I opened my eyes I took a deep breath in and wiped my tear stained face. I looked over at my children playing happily together on the couch, blissfully unaware of mummy's little trip to the depth of her soul. I felt like a better mother. A piece of me had been mended and so now I could love more fully. I embraced my darkness and it has brought me an immense amount of peace and reconciliation within myself. When I feel something tap tap tapping from my insides I no longer fear it, I invite it in and ask to feel all of it because it has been in my darkness that I have found my most brightest and most luminous light.

Astrid xx

CREATING RITUAL

We only have to look to nature and the world we live in with its seasons and rhythmic changing to know how important and magic ritual is. We are evolving rapidly as a race and with that, a lot of ritual has been lost. We no longer rise with the sun and rest when her shimmering majesty the moon appears. We force crops to grow out of their natural season and environment. We alter our body clocks to fit in with our hectic lives instead of working with nature and our inner compass to guide us through the day. There is hope though and it comes with creating evening and morning rituals. 

There are countless ways to do this. Here is what I do to create a piece of harmony in my day.

We must begin in the evening.

Once little babies are tucked away in bed I head to the bathroom. A candle is lit in order to begin the wind down of my sensors and to let my body know that sleep is approaching. This dimming of light actually helps the release of mealatonin which is the hormone necessary for sleep. I massage some oil into my body and practice some pranayama while doing so. Usually just big deep breaths in and out. Into a hot steamy bath I go. Sometimes i'll drop a little lavender essential oil onto the bottom of the tub which releases a heavenly scent when mixed with the hot water and steam. I use a gentle soap to cleanse the oil and the day away. Generous amounts of moisturizer is applied after my bath session. Dozy and in a state of relaxation I curl up in bed with a hot cup of Golden milk. This deeply healing and sleep inducing drink is an Ayurvedic medicinal beverage made from turmeric paste which is known for its anti inflammatory and immunity boosting properties (recipe for golden milk below). Phones, computers and any other technological device is removed from the bedroom as they cause the nervous system to become over stimulated. I now put my nose into a good book or if anxieties are looming I journal my thoughts and release them onto paper. Little snuffles from my son often means hes ready for a nighttime feed so I turn out the lamp and nestle into him while he suckles away. I try to say a little prayer before drifting off to dreamland and thank my lucky stars for everything and everyone in my life.

And now the morning.

I am usually awoken early by my children but if you don't have little people prying your eyes open at sunrise then try to set your alarm for around 6am. Your alarm should be peaceful and rhythmic. Nothing too startling. Heavy with sleep I lie in bed for a moment and breathe in the new day. I try to flood my mind with positive thoughts so I start on a high vibration. A candle is lit and an intention is set for the day. Slipping into some comfy clothes and shoes I'm out the door for a big walk and yoga. I do a special breathing exercise while walking to get my nervous system up and going and I also repeat some positive affirmations. My incantation at the moment is "Everyday I know my worth more and more". 

Once I reach my local park I roll at my mat and settle in to a 30-40 minute practice. On days I am particularly tired or feeling worn out I will skip the yoga and just sit somewhere where the morning sun can warm my face and do a peaceful meditation. Before I walk in the door of my home I try to center myself and leave all my negative thoughts at the door and ask God that I be a blessing to my family today. This is a beautiful ritual my husband taught me. 

I fill my now hungry tum with a hearty helping of warm porridge. Always topped with seasonal fruits, kefir yogurt and honey. A big cup of chai tea ensues. And now I am ready for the day. Ready for the carrying of babies, the cooking, the sweeping, the peek-a-boos, the going this way and then that way and then the twirling around. The ebb and flow of life.

Golden Milk: Recipe and Photo from Healthy Holistic Living 

Step 1:

Ingredients:

• 1/4 cup Turmeric powder
• 1/2 Teaspoon Ground Pepper
• 1/2 cup filtered water

Mix all ingredients in a small a small sauce pan and mix well. Turn the heat to medium high and stir constantly until the mixture is a thick paste. This does not take long so don’t walk away from the pan.

Let this mixture cool then keep it in a jar in the fridge.

Step 2:

Ingredients:

• 1 cup milk. I use raw milk but you can use almond, coconut or any other milk you prefer.
• 1 teaspoon of coconut oil
• 1/4 teaspoon or more of your Turmeric paste
• Honey to taste

Directions:

Combine all of the ingredients except for honey in a small saucepan. Turn the heat to medium. While heating make sure you constantly stir and do not bring to the boil. Add honey to taste. You can also mix with your favorite chai tea or even a smoothie!

Here is a good video on how to make it:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jYCQb2YNGt4 

Astrid xx

WE TRAVEL THE LAND. WE LIVE IN THE HEART.

Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Photo Credit Thomas Northcut www.freepeople.com 

Travelling and living in a new country has shown me many things about myself and the human race in general. I've come to have a deep gratitude for New Zealand. It's lush beauty and quiet abundance astounds me the more I am away from her. I have never felt connected, though, to my home land. I was always seeking that feeling of being rooted, that magical yoking I see in people when they see themselves as part flesh and part soil of the earth they call home. This was absent from my being. I think that's why my thirst for travel and exploration has always been so strong. Ever since I was a little girl I have dreamed of far away lands, vast oceans and remnants of ancient civilizations. I would pour over the Atlas's my grandfather gifted me on birthdays. I played pretend. Adorned with the saris and bangles my grandmother gave me from her travels to India, I would become an Indian princess ruling over the kingdom with her tiger in the jungle. With a strum of my magic sitar, tiger and I were whirled to new and exotic continents That young gypsy girl is still alive and well inside of me.

My husband and I have only had each other since being in Los Angeles. No family, friends or government benefits to bail us out when times get tough. We have evolved in our personal growth and relationship rapidly. We have fallen apart and knitted ourselves back together with new threads of love we didn't know existed. Finding strength in trying times often comes from realizing truths. Like the ones that hit you in the heart in the dead of the night. The ones that drag you to the bathroom floor where you fold into yourself and flood your hands which cup your sodden face with hot tears of unwanted knowing. To no avail, I would try to swallow these truths back to the dark well in which they were fetched from. My lesson is that releasing and acknowledging your emotions is incredibly healing. Suppressing them into a festering pit of pain will only cause them to bubble out from time to time in the form of physical ailments and disease. 

Our adventure has brought down our towers of expectations and exposed fresh lands of possibilities. It has made us look at ourselves with scrutiny but to invite a kindness when we do so. We continue to learn and reevaluate what is important to us. We still swing between wanting the American Dream and living a simple life on the road. We are somewhere in between.  I still may not feel rooted to any one place but I have come to feel at home on our journey. I am planted within the hearts of my children, family and my friends who are scattered throughout the world which I intend to explore with that little Indian princess, her tiger and sitar nestled lovingly within my soul.

Astrid x